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#imperfectishuman ... One Foot in Front of the Other

Updated: Dec 13, 2021

Those of you that know me well know I’m always busy in some way.  I seem to never stop.  I work hard, play hard, keep my commitments to my family and to my friends.  The last six months or so I’ve been running, running, running!  I try to have that down time but I notice when it’s too quiet or too mellow I become anxious and uneasy.  I would catch myself crying at odd times?  Car commutes, yoga class, and periods of time when my thoughts are mine.  I didn’t quite understand my tears, but needed to figure out what was “ wrong” with me?!?

I’ve dealt with bouts of depression through the years and was medicated at one time.  I definitely know this isn’t the same “ feeling.”  It was different.  Finally, after talking to my girlfriends that were closest to me,   I realized and researched that I am healing from a number of things.  When my “ tribe of support “ pointed out my life changes I definitely realized I need that alone time.  The adjustments I’ve made, positive and negative, are definitely reasons to breathe and not be so hard on myself.

As women we put pressure on ourselves to be perfect.  As a single woman sometimes we feel all alone and think no one understands or “ gets it.”  I guess that is me.  There are often times that I feel like it’s me against the world to handle it all instead of me asking the world for a little help.  Because of this and my “ I got this” attitude I’ve built up traits of everything from feeling overwhelmed, anxiety, shame, guilt, and self-doubt.  If only I would have expressed my truths instead of suffering with them  Expressing and facing my fears I would have probably built up a stronger support system sooner and it would have opened my eyes to see that there are many women who are going through similar things.  Many have been told, including myself, “ you should be over that, or past this by now,  It’s been years.”  Such a false statement.  Not everyone is on the same timeline.  Time doesn’t necessarily make things easier.  It’s the actual time that you take to acknowledge your pain, feel it, mourn it, and let it go.  It’s a process that we sometimes avoid because it hurts too much.  Avoiding the process prolongs the healing.  Simple to comprehend when you read it but not as simple when you try to apply it.  It’s so necessary to do your damndest to admit you’re not superhuman and work on your inside self.  Take a so-called failure as a grateful sign.  What?  A failure as a good thing?

I’ve had my share of failed romantic relationships.  My “ picker” sucks and it’s made me avoid getting close to men.  I’ve had to step back and come to terms that I’ve made similar mistakes with boyfriends since 9th grade!  I make excuses for behaviors I should have never tolerated and it usually takes a drastic event to slap me in the face and truly realize to get out and don’t look back. There’s nothing like discovering that one of your ex boyfriends was dabbling others while he was still seeing you but begging you to be in his life forever!  Or better yet finding out about his new relationship on social media that overlapped yours!  There’s that “ slap in the face” to wake me up!  Being the Empath that I am I absorbed his pain and didn’t pay attention to my own.  When the universe aligns to give you a sign pay attention!  The cliche “ everything happens for a reason” is very true.  God removes certain people from your life to make room for a good one. Trust the process and mourn the loss. I’m definitely still learning how to do that.  Loss and grief isn’t just inclusive of someone passing away.  Loss can be any significant change in your life.  Divorce, moving, career change, end of a relationship.  The list goes on and on!  Remember, with loss you are on YOUR healing schedule no one else’s.  You are not alone and please talk to those who love you or a professional!  It’s okay to not be perfect.  Give yourself permission to cry, sleep, skip the gym for a walk on the beach.  There are so many people hurting behind those smiles and everyone has a story.   Be a friend to yourself and take the advice you would give to your best friend.  This Past Friday night I spent with my new best friend on a long walk on the boardwalk hearing the waves crash, I made her tea, wrote in a journal, and wrote this latest blog.  Reflected, cried, smiled.  Thanked the idiot men I’ve had in my life because they’ve taught me what I don’t want and shouldn’t tolerate.  Made time for self- care so I can be a better Mom, daughter, co-worker, friend.  I’m working on being my best friend and reminding myself I deserve so much better!  I Swear You Got This Girl! #travel #sports #relationships #beaches #imperfectishuman

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